Monday, December 23, 2013
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Mother-work
I have always wanted to have kids. I have always wanted a husband, for that matter. So, I can safely say that the life I chose is one that I always looked forward to and I enjoy, and I wouldn't pursue another path as long as I am able. That said, I have some thoughts on my position in life right now.
Mothers are pulled and tugged and demanded of until parts of them loosen. Gravity and mother-work start to pull on their bodies and their minds until both start to droop a little. I feel myself sag when my one year old refuses to eat for the fifth time that day. I can feel a spring pop when my newborn cries and cries inconsolably. My body, granted, is a few sizes too big from pregnancy, but it's still the wrong shape, and will probably never look the same again (although I hold out hope that with my current diet and exercise regimen, I can still be as confident as ever in my appearance). This is the cost of mother-work. This is the cost of bringing humans into the world and pouring out myself so that they can be built up.
I'm not doing it perfectly, and I'm sure that in some places I'm downright wrong. I'm as selfish as I ever was, just with more responsibility. I know that my children, at the end of the day, are free agents with their own unique desires, intentions, and motivations that could one day take them far from me - physically, emotionally, or spiritually. But I do hope that I can offer them everything they need to choose to be strong men of God, with respect for others and themselves. I hope that they see needs in the world that they can meet and that I can equip them as much as possible to do so. I hope that I can be a woman worthy of respect and that in doing so, I can teach them to respect all women.
I love being a mother. I love ruling my house and keeping order (or at least trying to). I know that, if I'm lucky, I'll be old and gray with lots of stories and advice to offer a younger woman one day. For now, I'm battling extra pounds and a child who refuses to eat and a newborn who will only sleep on his stomach and a schedule that I just can't seem to get the hang of. I'm blessed to be in a position where we can afford for me to stay at home and do this kind of work. I will sag and wear as my skin and my mind go a little threadbare, but I know I'm doing good work and I hope in the long run all these worn out places of my person will be a testimony of my effort, and I will have two good, gracious, and godly men to show for it.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Perfection
Well, I spoke too soon. I accused my due date of teasing me, so I have to take it all back. My water broke at 11 PM after a full day of what I thought was another bought of false labor.
There's not much to say about what happened. It was textbook perfection. My water broke, I started having hard contractions, I got an epidural, and had the baby. Apparently, my doctor actually took a nap while I was in labor.
I pushed for 5 minutes. From the time my water broke to the time I was holding him in my arms was 8 hours, almost to the minute.
Silas was born at 6:58 AM, weighing 8 lbs 8 oz and measuring 21.5 inches. We had an hour of skin-to-skin after he was born and they delayed his cord clamping as per a new hospital policy. He was fat and healthy, and he latched on perfectly the first time we breastfed.
They took him to a 'transition' unit in the NICU for about 8 hours because his blood sugar was borderline and he had some respiratory inflammation. His sugar normalized very quickly, and his breathing didn't show any more issues after that first hour or two.
At first, I felt a surge of frustration and upset that they took him from me, but I decided that I would not allow it to mar an otherwise perfect delivery. It was eerie to visit my son in the same NICU where I practically lived for almost 4 months. The receptionist actually still remembered us, as did all the security guards. I guess we made an impression to still be remembered after a year and a half.
We were reunited around 5 in the afternoon and continued living our fantasy of having an absolutely perfect birthing experience. Perfect breastfeeding, perfect bonding, perfect health.
The only annoying thing (besides our brief 'visit' to the NICU) was the sudden onset of a spinal headache which has lain me flat... literally. They think it's probably because I had to have two epidurals before I got relief. The anesthesiologist felt so horrible that the first hadn't worked that he spiked the second one with something WONDERFUL that made it work in a couple of minutes instead of another half hour. I have to say, even with the headache, I would have done it again. At least the headache doesn't make me pray for death, and it goes away when I lie down.
In the meanwhile, I am cuddling with my perfect newborn all day while my mom and mother-in-law take care of my sweet Elijah. Our little family has gotten a little bit bigger, and our lives are so much richer for it.
There's not much to say about what happened. It was textbook perfection. My water broke, I started having hard contractions, I got an epidural, and had the baby. Apparently, my doctor actually took a nap while I was in labor.
I pushed for 5 minutes. From the time my water broke to the time I was holding him in my arms was 8 hours, almost to the minute.
Silas was born at 6:58 AM, weighing 8 lbs 8 oz and measuring 21.5 inches. We had an hour of skin-to-skin after he was born and they delayed his cord clamping as per a new hospital policy. He was fat and healthy, and he latched on perfectly the first time we breastfed.
They took him to a 'transition' unit in the NICU for about 8 hours because his blood sugar was borderline and he had some respiratory inflammation. His sugar normalized very quickly, and his breathing didn't show any more issues after that first hour or two.
At first, I felt a surge of frustration and upset that they took him from me, but I decided that I would not allow it to mar an otherwise perfect delivery. It was eerie to visit my son in the same NICU where I practically lived for almost 4 months. The receptionist actually still remembered us, as did all the security guards. I guess we made an impression to still be remembered after a year and a half.
We were reunited around 5 in the afternoon and continued living our fantasy of having an absolutely perfect birthing experience. Perfect breastfeeding, perfect bonding, perfect health.
The only annoying thing (besides our brief 'visit' to the NICU) was the sudden onset of a spinal headache which has lain me flat... literally. They think it's probably because I had to have two epidurals before I got relief. The anesthesiologist felt so horrible that the first hadn't worked that he spiked the second one with something WONDERFUL that made it work in a couple of minutes instead of another half hour. I have to say, even with the headache, I would have done it again. At least the headache doesn't make me pray for death, and it goes away when I lie down.
In the meanwhile, I am cuddling with my perfect newborn all day while my mom and mother-in-law take care of my sweet Elijah. Our little family has gotten a little bit bigger, and our lives are so much richer for it.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
You Might Be Nine Months Pregnant If...
You might be nine months pregnant if...
1. You punctuate every conversation with frequent complaints about how freaking hot it is in here.
2. You are down to only one shirt that actually covers your whole stomach.
3. Shaving your legs has become an acrobatic event.
4. You have to make an effort to get your feet wet in the shower.
5. Even your shoes no longer fit you.
6. You have stopped caring about what you eat and have spent the last two weeks subsisting primarily on dessert.
7. You could set a watch to your evening bathroom trips.
8. Your Google history contains lots of past searches that say things like "How to naturally induce labor at home," "Does castor oil work to induce labor," "Labor-inducing exercises," and "How to stimulate your nipples to start labor." (A sign that you are still in control of your mental faculties is whether or not you look up other women's horror stories about castor oil).
9. You start fussing at the baby when he decides to push on your bladder with all his might (I actually called my unborn innocent mean names for just such an offense).
10. You would give almost anything for the assurance that the terrifying and itchy stretch marks under your navel will eventually fade.
11. You surprise even yourself with the ease that you find yourself bursting into tears.
12. You weigh more than you have every weighed in your life, so you fantasize about how great you're going to look once you start breastfeeding.
13. You try to treat the fact that you reached your due date with no signs of labor with all the grace and stoicism you can muster, while counting on the unlikelihood that the little chap will leave claw-marks on his way out.
1. You punctuate every conversation with frequent complaints about how freaking hot it is in here.
2. You are down to only one shirt that actually covers your whole stomach.
3. Shaving your legs has become an acrobatic event.
4. You have to make an effort to get your feet wet in the shower.
5. Even your shoes no longer fit you.
6. You have stopped caring about what you eat and have spent the last two weeks subsisting primarily on dessert.
7. You could set a watch to your evening bathroom trips.
8. Your Google history contains lots of past searches that say things like "How to naturally induce labor at home," "Does castor oil work to induce labor," "Labor-inducing exercises," and "How to stimulate your nipples to start labor." (A sign that you are still in control of your mental faculties is whether or not you look up other women's horror stories about castor oil).
9. You start fussing at the baby when he decides to push on your bladder with all his might (I actually called my unborn innocent mean names for just such an offense).
10. You would give almost anything for the assurance that the terrifying and itchy stretch marks under your navel will eventually fade.
11. You surprise even yourself with the ease that you find yourself bursting into tears.
12. You weigh more than you have every weighed in your life, so you fantasize about how great you're going to look once you start breastfeeding.
13. You try to treat the fact that you reached your due date with no signs of labor with all the grace and stoicism you can muster, while counting on the unlikelihood that the little chap will leave claw-marks on his way out.
Monday, August 5, 2013
The Cabbage Patch: A Fantasy
I walk out onto the back lanai in the quiet hours of the morning. The morning is hazy with dew as the first lazy sun-beams sneak through the trees. I turn to the right... Look! A lovely cabbage patch! One of the cabbage heads curls open to reveal a beautiful, plump baby, asleep on the soft cabbage leaves. I lift the baby out of the cabbage and rock it gently as I walk back inside. That, ladies and gentleman, is how I will have my third child.
That, or I'll lay an egg, but the mammalian method really isn't working for me.
That, or I'll lay an egg, but the mammalian method really isn't working for me.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
What Happened on Monday
On Saturday of last week, I asked my Facebook network for prayers regarding this pregnancy. If you ever wondered if your prayers were effective, please continue reading.
On Saturday, I started having regular contractions. They weren't close enough together to cause real concern yet, but I was on red-alert. The baby almost stopped moving. The contractions went away.
On Sunday, I started having regular contractions again. I had maybe 3-4 an hour, and I wasn't supposed to worry until they got to 6 an hour. The baby stopped moving again. The contractions went away.
On Monday, I started having contractions again. This time, I had 7 in one hour and I promptly called my doctor. The doc said to go ahead to the hospital because it sounded like I was going into active labor.
They hooked me up to all the monitors and an IV and started running tests. At one point, my contractions were 3 minutes apart. I was starting to get really scared (who am I kidding... I was already really scared - I just got more scared).
The tests they ran showed that I had an infection that was causing labor symptoms, and if left untreated would have put me into preterm labor. They held me for observation for a few hours and gave me a shot to stop the contractions. I'm currently on antibiotics to kill the infection and my contractions have completely stopped. The baby is back to his usual, wiggly self.
I didn't know anything was wrong yet when I made my request on Saturday morning. I completely believe that God used the prayers of my friends and family to protect me and Baby on Monday.
Monday night reminded me that I still have a long way to go with this pregnancy. I'm 31 weeks today, which is 2 weeks earlier than when I had Elijah (33 weeks). We're really getting down to the wire on the window when I'm at the highest risk. Every day I keep the baby is a gift, and vitally important to his (and my) safety. If you have been praying for me, please don't stop. We need your prayers desperately.
On an aside, the attending physician who took care of me on Monday is the daughter of the surgeon who did all of Elijah's surgeries. So that was cool.
On Saturday, I started having regular contractions. They weren't close enough together to cause real concern yet, but I was on red-alert. The baby almost stopped moving. The contractions went away.
On Sunday, I started having regular contractions again. I had maybe 3-4 an hour, and I wasn't supposed to worry until they got to 6 an hour. The baby stopped moving again. The contractions went away.
On Monday, I started having contractions again. This time, I had 7 in one hour and I promptly called my doctor. The doc said to go ahead to the hospital because it sounded like I was going into active labor.
They hooked me up to all the monitors and an IV and started running tests. At one point, my contractions were 3 minutes apart. I was starting to get really scared (who am I kidding... I was already really scared - I just got more scared).
The tests they ran showed that I had an infection that was causing labor symptoms, and if left untreated would have put me into preterm labor. They held me for observation for a few hours and gave me a shot to stop the contractions. I'm currently on antibiotics to kill the infection and my contractions have completely stopped. The baby is back to his usual, wiggly self.
I didn't know anything was wrong yet when I made my request on Saturday morning. I completely believe that God used the prayers of my friends and family to protect me and Baby on Monday.
Monday night reminded me that I still have a long way to go with this pregnancy. I'm 31 weeks today, which is 2 weeks earlier than when I had Elijah (33 weeks). We're really getting down to the wire on the window when I'm at the highest risk. Every day I keep the baby is a gift, and vitally important to his (and my) safety. If you have been praying for me, please don't stop. We need your prayers desperately.
On an aside, the attending physician who took care of me on Monday is the daughter of the surgeon who did all of Elijah's surgeries. So that was cool.
Friday, June 21, 2013
I Wrote an Essay
Well, it's in response to an article that was written almost 2 months ago, but I have finally posted an essay that I've been meaning to publish. You can find it here on my husband's blog, Truth In Deed.
(That means it's a guest blog post. Fancy.)
I hope you enjoy, even though this is old news by now. Being pregnant and having a toddler is not conducive for keeping up with the speed of media.
(That means it's a guest blog post. Fancy.)
I hope you enjoy, even though this is old news by now. Being pregnant and having a toddler is not conducive for keeping up with the speed of media.
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