You might be nine months pregnant if...
1. You punctuate every conversation with frequent complaints about how freaking hot it is in here.
2. You are down to only one shirt that actually covers your whole stomach.
3. Shaving your legs has become an acrobatic event.
4. You have to make an effort to get your feet wet in the shower.
5. Even your shoes no longer fit you.
6. You have stopped caring about what you eat and have spent the last two weeks subsisting primarily on dessert.
7. You could set a watch to your evening bathroom trips.
8. Your Google history contains lots of past searches that say things like "How to naturally induce labor at home," "Does castor oil work to induce labor," "Labor-inducing exercises," and "How to stimulate your nipples to start labor." (A sign that you are still in control of your mental faculties is whether or not you look up other women's horror stories about castor oil).
9. You start fussing at the baby when he decides to push on your bladder with all his might (I actually called my unborn innocent mean names for just such an offense).
10. You would give almost anything for the assurance that the terrifying and itchy stretch marks under your navel will eventually fade.
11. You surprise even yourself with the ease that you find yourself bursting into tears.
12. You weigh more than you have every weighed in your life, so you fantasize about how great you're going to look once you start breastfeeding.
13. You try to treat the fact that you reached your due date with no signs of labor with all the grace and stoicism you can muster, while counting on the unlikelihood that the little chap will leave claw-marks on his way out.
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